There is nothing more frustrating in life than not making any progress. It’s so disheartening and just makes you want to give up. I’ve been dealing with this feeling of going nowhere for about 7 and a half months. It just sucks up all my energy and happiness everytime and I have no idea what to do about it. I wish that I could just give up and not care and I’m honestly trying but there’s something in me that refuses to just let go. It’s my one constatant source of unhappiness and it’s just further frustrating because I feel like I have no control over it, I can’t make myself not feel anything about it or not think about it and the only way to resolve it requires action from another person.
I can go decent amounts of time without letting it get to me but it seems like lately it’s been worse rather than better. I’ve been thinking about things more instead of less and feeling more strongly. I just feel like by now, after more than half a year, the pain should be dulling or gone and the fact that it’s not is driving me insane.
I think a huge part of it is just being in this town still. Ames is entirely too small after 3 years, I know too many people and have too many memories that just make it hard to escape everything. I love Iowa State and I’ve really enjoyed my experience here but I’m oh so ready to move on with my life and I really don’t think I can successfully do that until I leave here.
My least favorite time of the year. I hate packing and unpacking so much, it’s one of the most tedious things to have to do. It also forces me to reevaluate all of my possessions, junk that I’ve kept for years on the off chance that I might “need” it someday. I hate how attached I am to things, maybe it’s growing up in Western culture with the belief that more is always better, maybe it’s my desire to cling to things that are familiar or my fear of getting rid of something and regretting it so much later.
Today while I was packing I found my planner from freshman year, I love planners and I love writing in them but do I really need to keep one from 3 years ago? Probably not. I haven’t even looked at it since the last time I moved my all my stuff so I threw it away. I feel mostly good about it but at the same time there’s this twinge about not being able to look at it anymore, like it’s some important glimpse into my first year of independence. I mean really, what’s the most intersting thing it can contain? I remember marking special events but nothing that I don’t already remember without that little book’s help.
This is getting rambly but I suppose that’s pretty natural to my thinking process, jumping from topic to topic without real direction. But it makes me think about how obsessed I am with the past. Not that there’s anything wrong with remembering things but sometimes I worry that I’m not in the present enough, I love reminiscing and I love planning things for the future, but I don’t live in the past or in the future. I live in the now, my life is the now and I think I need to better learn how to appreciate that.
I went to yoga yesterday and it was great, one of my favorite things about yoga is the emphasis on the now. Concentrate on your breathing now, concentrate on your body now. It’s never think about how fit you’ll be in a few weeks or think about all the calories you’re burning off from that ice cream you ate yesterday, only the things in the now. And the here. I need to remember that. Haha this isn’t where my post started but I’m here now and that’s what matters right?
It seems incredibly appropriate, not to mention easy, to begin my blogging process with a post about blogging. Or maybe just dumb and confusing, but we’ll carry on anyway. I’m not necessarily a writer, I enjoy journaling or just writing out thoughts but I definitely wouldn’t consider myself a writer by any definition of the term. However, with all this emphasis now on new media in the world and too much time spent on the computer/internet I figured maybe blogging is something I should at least try out.
I don’t necesarily care whether people really look at this thing but maybe it’ll be helpful for me to have an outlet and also to just kind of get familiar with the process. I’m already pretty sure this won’t be a vastly successful blog since I have no real focus or emphasis, this isn’t going to be about blogging (thank god since this post is going so well) or food or living green or celebrities or any number of other subjects people write about and have loyal followings for, it’s just going to be my thoughts I guess. Maybe things that I just want to explore a little bit more and have documentation of the thought process. I guess we’ll see.